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Tag: autism and love

Autism & Love: Do Autistic People Feel Love?

Author: Katherine Johnson. M.S., BCBA | Updated On

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“One of the most Googled questions neurotypicals ask about dating on the autism spectrum is, ‘Can autistic people fall in love?’” says Tasha Oswald, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, on her blog series Dating on the Autism Spectrum. “To be honest, this question always catches me off guard,” she says. “Of course, they can.”

For those of us who know and love people on the spectrum, the question may be: how is this myth still around? For one thing, widespread abelism in our culture means that media often depicts love as happening only between people who match some arbitrary standard of ability, beauty, intelligence, or “cool” that the majority of us don’t meet. This perception is compounded by the communication differences that are a defining feature of autism: autistic people either have difficulty communicating or communicate differently than neurotypicals, including expressions of love and attraction. Additionally, sensory differences can make physical expressions of love a little more complicated, requiring explicit communication that, again, may be a challenge. And of course, it shouldn’t be missed that in general, love can be an overwhelming and confusing part of the human condition, including, but not limited to, autistic humans.

Expressions of love

The fact that autistic people experience the full range of human emotions, including love, is indisputable.

A recent article in the journal Autism examined the lived experience of autistic mothers with children ages 5-15. Answering open-ended questions in a semi-structured interview, mothers spoke of their connections with their children using the words “love,” “bond,” and “complete adoration.” Reading their accounts highlights that in spite of the barriers many of them face, their emotional experiences are quite familiar. For instance, one expressed that she felt worried that her love for her second child wouldn’t be as strong as it was for her first – a nearly universal experience of parents of multiple children (Of course, in the end she was “pleasantly surprised” that this wasn’t the case.).

Austin John Smith is an autistic blogger who has shared his experience moving in with a girlfriend and getting used to living together before getting married. As he writes lovingly about their day-to-day lives, he describes the things they have in common, their differences, how they share their emotions, and how they support each other. Smith says, “I love her more than anything in this whole world, and I am 1000% willing to go through anything with her…”

But these are stories of autistic folks who can speak and express their feelings. What about those who are unable to communicate verbally?  Laura Cunningham has first-hand experience. The Pueblo, Colorado, woman adopted her son, Spencer, when he was 11. He’s 19 now. He’s on the spectrum and is non-verbal. But “he feels love,” his mom says. Not only does he hug her and hold her hand, but he also has his own way of expressing emotion, one example of which chokes her up. It was the beginning of the school year, and she was talking to him about school. Spencer was excited and did something he had never done before: he picked up his phone and found certain sections of songs that he wanted to play for her over and over. The meaningful lyrics were his way of expressing what he was feeling.

Barriers

Although difficulty in love has been the subject of countless songs, stories, and myths since the beginning of time, autistic folks may have additional strains on their emotional connections. Sensory differences mean that the types of physical expressions of love that our society views as “typical” may not serve the same function for autistic people. For instance, the sensation of kissing may not spark the same warm feelings in an autistic partner that a neurotypical person would expect. Reading social cues, being flexible to accommodate a partner’s needs, and expressing their own emotional needs can all be challenging for autistics. For non-verbal autistic people, expressions of affection can be tragically misunderstood; one mother of a non-verbal autistic teenager named Sam related that “if a 17-year-old boy in his high school puts his arm around somebody, that’s considered fine. My son puts his arm around somebody, he gets an incident report.”

Support: Translating to the other side.

Autism expert Peter Gerhardt repeated a question posed to him by a friend on the spectrum: “if you neurotypicals have all the skills, why don’t you adapt for a while, damn it?”

So, what is society doing to support autistic people in their human quest for love? There are certainly more resources today than there were a decade ago, with support groups devoted to neurodiverse couples, books and resources for autistic people, online communities where neurodivergent people can support each other in their relationship challenges, and even a television show devoted to the topic, Love on the Spectrum.

Even so, more mechanisms for support are needed. Gerhardt says, “When I talk to professionals about the issue of sexuality and relationships on the autism spectrum, they often say, well, parents don’t want to deal with this, parents are afraid to deal with this. And then when I talk to parents about the issue, they say, well, professionals don’t want to deal with it. So, what ends up happening, is nobody deals with it, and it becomes, sort of this, you know, elephant in the living room that nobody is really dealing with.”

Debunking the myth

Society often sends the message that there is a “right way” to express love. People who love someone with autism and are loved by them know that affection can be expressed in a wide variety of ways. Still, that societal standard of what is “right” can lead autistic people to try to be someone they are not.  Anyone who has tried to be a “better version” of themselves for a partner knows how much energy it takes and that the relationships often fail. Masking is stressful and harmful. We can all help to destigmatize love among people with neurological differences and work to find more ways to support our autistic brothers and sisters in this integral part of the human experience.

Thankfully, there are a lot of beautiful success stories out there. Austin John Smith writes of his wife, “Despite all the good times we have had, there have been times where being on the spectrum has made things difficult for Annie and me. What can I say? I’m not perfect. I never will be. I just am who I am. But what I do each and every day with her is what I consider trying to do my best.” We should all be so lucky to have a partner with his perspective.

Our amazing daughter

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Autism is a diagnosis that can be emotional for parents and families to accept. In our case, the diagnosis needed to be accepted by our family. Our daughter is amazing. She is incredibly bright, sweet, and an absolute joy to be around. As a parent, one of the most gut-wrenching things we experienced was being told time after time, “Your child has challenges, but no one knows why.” In May of 2013, we finally got our answer. Our beautiful girl has a rare genetic condition called Cohen Syndrome that causes intellectual, medical, and physical disabilities. Receiving this diagnosis was bittersweet because we finally got an answer, but we still didn’t know how to help our daughter. With a rare genetic condition like this, there are several programs, specialists, and therapies available that we didn’t even know existed. There are people with resources who wanted to help but had never heard of our child’s condition. It was very alarming for us because even though we were thankful for their help, the process can be anxiety-inducing.

When our daughter was diagnosed with Autism a year ago, it wasn’t a bittersweet moment like when we received her original diagnosis of Cohen Syndrome. It was just sweet! Autism Awareness has been raised, and there are people in the education and medical field who have experience with Autism. I fully accept that our daughter has Autism, but the fact is that a lot of her challenges stem from her primary diagnosis that is rare. I asked myself how this “known” diagnosis could help when you have to take her “unknown” diagnosis into account? The answer was ABA therapy.

Although we have seen AMAZING progress through ABA therapy in our daughter over the last year, the truth is that it cannot be contributed fully to “just” ABA therapy. ABA therapy with the right team is the answer. What makes the right team? Compassion, humility, resource-connected, knowledgeable, and experienced team members. ABA is an evidence-based practice.

We know firsthand that having a team that is compassionate and humble will allow for success. Having a child with complex healthcare needs is overwhelming. We almost always feel like we aren’t doing enough (are we acting more like advocates instead of just being mom and dad? Is our child receiving the right therapies, too many or not enough? How can we balance comfortability for a child whose world is almost always uncomfortable, but also push her to reach her full potential?). Adding ABA therapy to our already crammed schedule brought apprehension. But having the right team, takes the stress out of the equation. We (parents, child and staff) work together on proper goals and time management.

ABA is an excellent tool that I highly recommend families consider, but it’s not the only tool. Especially when working with a child who has a rare genetic condition plus an Autism diagnosis. Other resources and tools may assist families in achieving their goals. For us this meant learning about the objectives as a family together while our daughter was mastering goals. ABA works best when it’s combined with your other resources; (i.e., current therapies in place, IEP teams, community support, etc.) as this helps generalize what is learned. We have seen our daughter transfer the skills she’s learned in her sessions into her everyday life. Our daughter, recently turned eight years old, received a skilled companion dog, and is transitioning to a general education classroom. This transition and the skills that her amazing ABA team teach her have been a blessing to her, and our family. Our daughter has been showing more affection to those she cares about. She’s able to master her goals outside of her sessions and into the community (which I am unable to express how HUGE this is). She is also able to complete her homework with modifications; additionally, she can share who she is with others instead of allowing her diagnoses to define her as others think it does.

From a logical perspective, ABA therapy is remarkable in how it allows children (no matter what the diagnosis is) to learn things that other children may more readily know. From a mom’s perspective, it’s beyond amazing. This process has provided my husband and me with the support needed so we can be her parents, instead of her providers. Partnering in this way gives us opportunities we wouldn’t be able to have without this kind of assistance. There’s a saying that it takes a village to raise a child. In the early days of our daughter’s life, my husband and I would jokingly say it takes a hospital to raise our child. As her health has become more stable, and we’ve been able to focus more on her education and life skills, we agree that in fact, it takes a village to raise a child — a properly equipped village. And we are so grateful that God blessed us with her ABA team as an addition to our village.

– by Nicole

Addressing Aggressive Behaviors in Children

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Aggressive behavior is something that parents of children with autism or emotional disabilities are often confronted with on a regular basis. It can be a challenging, frustrating and emotionally draining experience. Through the support of a professional behavior analyst and consistent practices, parents, teachers, and caregivers can address aggressive behaviors in children and adolescents so that they can live productive and independent lives.

Many times when caregivers are faced with aggressive behavior, their impulse is to want to stop the behavior, and they may view the child as misbehaving. However, it’s important to understand that aggressive behavior is sending us a message. Every behavior serves a function— such as making a request, avoiding something, escaping a task or seeking attention. The same is true of aggression. For individuals with limited communication skills, aggressive behaviors can become inadvertently shaped by caretakers and others in their environment.

For example, a child throws a tantrum to gain access to candy. The parent gives the child candy to stop the tantrum. If this interaction repeats itself, the behaviors become reinforced and the child learns that tantruming is rewarded with access to the desired food. Next time, the parent may decide they are not going to give the child candy and so the child tantrums even louder and harder. If the parent gives the child candy, the parent has inadvertently reinforced the behavior. As parents, we all do this in very subtle ways regardless of whether our child has special needs or not, often without realizing that we are shaping our children’s behavior and strengthening the behaviors that are unwanted.

When children are small, it can be less of an issue for parents to manage aggression, or they may think that their child will grow out of it. It is easier to restrain young kids to combat and control outbursts, but if these are the only methods we use, we are not setting our teenagers up for success. It is important to understand why our kids are acting out and what they are trying to communicate. Once we know the “what” and the “why”, we can teach more appropriate means of communication to replace the need for aggression (such as making a verbal request and teaching the child to tolerate “no” when the answer is “no”). If the aggressive behaviors are not replaced by more appropriate functional behaviors, then we run the risk of shaping adolescent aggression which can include physical violence that is more serious and tougher to overcome.

If your child is demonstrating aggression, the best place to start is an assessment of his behavior to understand why the behaviors are occurring. A good assessment will tell you what the function of the behavior is, meaning— why he is acting out and what he is trying to communicate. Then a plan can be put in place to teach new methods for communicating effectively as well as reducing and eliminating the aggression using behavioral strategies.

Here are a few strategies you can use before aggressive episodes start:

  1. Give up some control over the environment or routines by offering choices; it does not matter if he brushes his teeth before changing clothes, but if having control over that routine helps keep your child’s aggression down, give up that control and let him choose. Providing choice also teaches independent thinking and problem solving which are critical skills for adult life.
  2. Prime your child by giving them a verbal “heads up” of what is coming: describe to your child when and what the expectations are for that setting.
  3. Use visual support like a picture board or a photo to help provide clear expectations for each activity or different parts of the day.
  4. Prompt and model the behavior you want to see instead of the aggressive behavior.
  5. Praise that behavior when you do see it so that it will continue to be a part of their repertoire. Remember if you like something you need to let your child know. In other words, catch them being good and if you like a behavior, reinforce it!

In the moment of the aggressive behavior, safety is most important! Do your best to keep yourself and your child safe. If you can redirect your child onto something else or an activity, that might be necessary.

Some parents of adolescents who display aggressive behaviors worry that it is too late for their child to have a fulfilling and independent life. On the contrary, it is never too late to start planning on a future for your child and working towards attainable goals. Think about what you want your child to be doing in a year from now and start working towards that today. If you want your child to ask for the desired item or preferred activity instead of tantruming to get it, start taking small steps now. If you are hoping they will have more friends in a year, start exposing your child to those opportunities and teaching the socially appropriate skills that will afford those opportunities. If you want them to have fewer aggressive behaviors, do not wait a year to start working to improve that behavior. It is never too late or too early to start working towards next year. The results will support your child in having their needs met and experiencing greater success at each stage of development. The ultimate goal is setting your child up for success and helping him achieve as much independence as possible.

-Richie Ploesch, M.A., BCBA, and Ronit Molko, Ph.D., BCBA-D

Love is a Better Teacher Than Duty

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Anyone who has worked with children can attest to the fact that when you love the work you do and come from a place of respect and appreciation for the kids you work with – kids feel it. They feel connected to you and have greater trust and receptivity to what is being being taught.

The other important element here is the joy a child holds for what they are doing. If you can truly engage a child in a lesson or goal that includes elements they care about and perhaps help design, you will see them learn more quickly, have better retention, and be less distracted.  Simply put, they are having more fun!

For our little ones, this can mean embedding lessons in games and activities they enjoy, with toys they are naturally attracted to. For our older kids, we have an even greater ability to enlist them in the design of their goals and objectives. What interests them? What do they hope to achieve and when? Allowing them to participate in keeping track of their learning process and progress is an additional way to build confidence, pride and impact personal fulfillment.

Wether or not you define it as love, this is what inspires and motivates so many of the dedicated individuals who work with our our extraordinary kids.

On this Valentine’s Day, let’s look for where we can acknowledge and emphasize LOVE in the work we do, in our families and in our kids’ experiences, so we can all be more loving teachers… and students.

Happy Valentine’s Day!